So I am diving into a book call Psycho-cybernetics by Maltz. This book has many of the similar threads to the likes of Napoleon Hill, Og Mandino, Eckart Tolle, The Secret,that all seem to pull from key tenants of the Bible like "Ask and Ye shall receive, knock and the door will be open" Etc.
All of these books have a key practice of training (or more specifically) 'reprogramming yourself from your past experiences mainly learned from your parents and surroundings. Yes it is what has made us who we are but certainly we are not defined by those past events.
The primary focus is on those 'false' programmings, those long held beliefs and characteristics that have their root in negativity and have embedded themselves into your process of thinking and evaluating lifes' situations as they happen.
These books speak about not dwelling on the past, living from the present moment, and retraining your mental programming. They highlight we should recognize those negative programmings but again we should not give power/focus to those experiences because the subconscious brain is unbiased to what enters and thus will act on those foci and give you more of what you give importance to. If we change our programming to focus on successful outcomes, actions, motions etc. (these successful outcomes can be pulled from anytime in your live) then that is what we will receive back.
The primary focus is on those 'false' programmings, those long held beliefs and characteristics that have their root in negativity and have embedded themselves into your process of thinking and evaluating lifes' situations as they happen.
These books speak about not dwelling on the past, living from the present moment, and retraining your mental programming. They highlight we should recognize those negative programmings but again we should not give power/focus to those experiences because the subconscious brain is unbiased to what enters and thus will act on those foci and give you more of what you give importance to. If we change our programming to focus on successful outcomes, actions, motions etc. (these successful outcomes can be pulled from anytime in your live) then that is what we will receive back.
So why mention all of this?
I recently turned 40 years old. Yup made it this far. And like everybody has said, including my parents, it came extremely fast. Shoot it feels like just yesterday I was 28 years old, living in Colorado as a single man, and having the time of my life. Fast forward to the present: 40--married almost 10 years, living in Kansas, 3 children below the age of 7, and domesticated as a man can be with the aforementioned characteristics.
Yes I take care of myself, and why I don't have to mention having gained x amount of weight, lost x amount of my hair (though I have hahah), I am enjoying my life (for the most part) albeit in a different context; not worse- just different obviously. So back to turning 40.
I say somewhat because I seem to be having a tough transition going from 39 to 40. Is there really some fricken clock in your head that starts asking the proverbial question "what do you want to be when you grow up? Or Now what are you going to do?" or is the question always there but you pay more attention to it now because of your 'wisdom' or better yet your recognition that the train is closer to the end of the track then it was at the start of the trip? Regardless of what the hell it is it's on my mind and it stinks, is scarey. and yet maybe even liberating if I will allow it to be.
Did I dream I would be where I am at this stage in my life? Shoot I seemed to have forgotten any dreams (other than wanted to be a baseball players or making ton of money doing 'something' cool) I might have had growing up and why it's seems to be impossible to answer that question. Did I dream this current life? One thing that I know is that I created it whether or not it happened to be following a dream. Do not get me wrong, I have had a wonderful and blessed life ,albeit with some serious trials and tribulations along the way, but it's all a part of who and what I am today.
So where I am today, and why this question (the question of what do I want to do now or be moving forward- mainly in my career) is riding on me heavily. I am currently employed at a specialty tax firm. A small firm, in a very niche market, but with little room for career path as I can see or better yet a career path I have little passion to follow. It absolutely does not excite me and its starting to show in my dedication and performance to the task I am chartered with.
But this isn't all that I do. Currently I have 3 other start-up businesses that continue to take my time and focus away from my day job and I enjoy them immensely for that distraction, but also the opportunity, but right now none of them are creating income and in fact 1 (my baby called Speedythumb) is taking cash out of my pocket for development costs with no real clear end in sight to start producing revenue. Right now, and my fear is, that it will become just a costly and distracting boondoggle.
All of these opportunities excite me because of the entrepreneurial aspect, the starting and helping to refine or transform an industry. But yet the question I am more consistently asking of myself is "when will this excitement go away", like my day job, in that I felt similar when I first started with the business as a I do now with these new opportunities.
Why I ask this question is because of the way that I have been programmed from the past, I do believe, and why I have consistently read books to identify those false programmings and eviscerate them. What do I need to eviscerate? That I will always be disappointed, that I will always fall short of my goal, that nothing lasts forever, that a dream is only a dream and not a reality and that you will never end up doing something great or better yet something that you love to do. Period. That I have to work, make money to take care of myself and family, regardless of whether I enjoy the work or not.
I want to know why the hell I think like this. There has been little I have not achieved when I have put my pure focus on it. I have had successes. I have had wins. Have typically ended on top with a good outcome. And why I know better than to feel the way that I am feeling. But more often than not I end of sabotaging my own successes and why I have either not completed things, moved forward on 'dreams', or continue to jump around (job and idea-wise) and try new things and leave the waste behind time and time again. I literally move on from current opportunities because I get this gripping fear that the end is coming and why I must get out of the boat while I still have the chance only to move onto the next boat and create the same situation as before.
What happened to my stick-to-it-iveness? Where are my balls? Why the fear of utter failure? Why the fear of letting my kids, wife, siblings, friends, family all down? Its paralyzing.
Maybe it started when my father, married for 16 (or was it 18) notified my mom that he wanted a divorce? He was in love with someone else! The man that was the epicenter of my life growing up. A man I feared as much as I loved and looked up to.
Why had he decided to leave? Did I let him down? did someone let him down? Did he feel the boat was sinking and needed to get out? Regardless of what it was I do believe it left a crater in my soul that told me from a very young age that yes "nothing is as good as it seems, nothing lasts forever, people will let you down, you will always be disappointed, you will fail" and why you should, at the end of the day, know these truths and thus always keep moving, fight for what you believe in but only to a point, and then get out.
This happening in my life transformed my inner conscious and still affects me to this day. I just know it. I can look back and see all the relationships I have killed, people I have hurt, because it was always about me. I had to protect myself from hurt and the way to do that was through insensitivity, arrogance, no communications on a deep level about things of substance, refusing to let myself be loved or return of love, being an introvert shielded by extrovert actions. Ultimately being untrue to myself for years and years.
So what do I do about? Well first I trust I need to recognize that its all bullshit and always was. It never had anything to do with me. It had to do with his programming...not mine. Still what the hell do I do about it then? If I can recognize it great but how do I get it out of me? If I do so can I then move forward to getting back to understanding what my dreams were for myself way back when I was a young boy with the world so open to me and my dreams? Can I then start a new? Will a lighting bolt hit me and I will know KNOW , beyond a shadow of a doubt, what I am suppose to be doing in my career for the next 40 years, Will I know how to treat my kids and my wife with the respect they deserve, will I be honest and true to myself for once? Will I start doing something in my career I love to do and will I follow through? Will I complete the things I started? Will the fear, that has caused me to run, abate and will I get to Peace?
Well I sure and the hell hope so! I do believe so or at least I have the faith to believe this truth.
I look at my kids sleeping at night and try to put myself back in those innocent shoes. When I look at Quinten I wonder what this little boys dreams are and hope for the life of me that I can help him realize them. To teach him how to never forget them, embrace them, right them down, focus on them and never let them go; opposite of what I have done. I do not want him to be programmed by MY past!.
So to end.....I feel this writing was quite cathartic for me and am pleased to have gone through this exercise. I trust it will be somewhat of an exorcism for me and allow me to embrace this new age of 40 more fully. I know, and will continue to do so, I need to keep retraining this mind of mine, its misperceptions, is falsities, and ultimately its fears; recognize them but do not dwell on them.
Here's to the present moment...smiling.
D
Neural Nuisance.
Did I dream I would be where I am at this stage in my life? Shoot I seemed to have forgotten any dreams (other than wanted to be a baseball players or making ton of money doing 'something' cool) I might have had growing up and why it's seems to be impossible to answer that question. Did I dream this current life? One thing that I know is that I created it whether or not it happened to be following a dream. Do not get me wrong, I have had a wonderful and blessed life ,albeit with some serious trials and tribulations along the way, but it's all a part of who and what I am today.
So where I am today, and why this question (the question of what do I want to do now or be moving forward- mainly in my career) is riding on me heavily. I am currently employed at a specialty tax firm. A small firm, in a very niche market, but with little room for career path as I can see or better yet a career path I have little passion to follow. It absolutely does not excite me and its starting to show in my dedication and performance to the task I am chartered with.
But this isn't all that I do. Currently I have 3 other start-up businesses that continue to take my time and focus away from my day job and I enjoy them immensely for that distraction, but also the opportunity, but right now none of them are creating income and in fact 1 (my baby called Speedythumb) is taking cash out of my pocket for development costs with no real clear end in sight to start producing revenue. Right now, and my fear is, that it will become just a costly and distracting boondoggle.
All of these opportunities excite me because of the entrepreneurial aspect, the starting and helping to refine or transform an industry. But yet the question I am more consistently asking of myself is "when will this excitement go away", like my day job, in that I felt similar when I first started with the business as a I do now with these new opportunities.
Why I ask this question is because of the way that I have been programmed from the past, I do believe, and why I have consistently read books to identify those false programmings and eviscerate them. What do I need to eviscerate? That I will always be disappointed, that I will always fall short of my goal, that nothing lasts forever, that a dream is only a dream and not a reality and that you will never end up doing something great or better yet something that you love to do. Period. That I have to work, make money to take care of myself and family, regardless of whether I enjoy the work or not.
I want to know why the hell I think like this. There has been little I have not achieved when I have put my pure focus on it. I have had successes. I have had wins. Have typically ended on top with a good outcome. And why I know better than to feel the way that I am feeling. But more often than not I end of sabotaging my own successes and why I have either not completed things, moved forward on 'dreams', or continue to jump around (job and idea-wise) and try new things and leave the waste behind time and time again. I literally move on from current opportunities because I get this gripping fear that the end is coming and why I must get out of the boat while I still have the chance only to move onto the next boat and create the same situation as before.
What happened to my stick-to-it-iveness? Where are my balls? Why the fear of utter failure? Why the fear of letting my kids, wife, siblings, friends, family all down? Its paralyzing.
Maybe it started when my father, married for 16 (or was it 18) notified my mom that he wanted a divorce? He was in love with someone else! The man that was the epicenter of my life growing up. A man I feared as much as I loved and looked up to.
Why had he decided to leave? Did I let him down? did someone let him down? Did he feel the boat was sinking and needed to get out? Regardless of what it was I do believe it left a crater in my soul that told me from a very young age that yes "nothing is as good as it seems, nothing lasts forever, people will let you down, you will always be disappointed, you will fail" and why you should, at the end of the day, know these truths and thus always keep moving, fight for what you believe in but only to a point, and then get out.
This happening in my life transformed my inner conscious and still affects me to this day. I just know it. I can look back and see all the relationships I have killed, people I have hurt, because it was always about me. I had to protect myself from hurt and the way to do that was through insensitivity, arrogance, no communications on a deep level about things of substance, refusing to let myself be loved or return of love, being an introvert shielded by extrovert actions. Ultimately being untrue to myself for years and years.
So what do I do about? Well first I trust I need to recognize that its all bullshit and always was. It never had anything to do with me. It had to do with his programming...not mine. Still what the hell do I do about it then? If I can recognize it great but how do I get it out of me? If I do so can I then move forward to getting back to understanding what my dreams were for myself way back when I was a young boy with the world so open to me and my dreams? Can I then start a new? Will a lighting bolt hit me and I will know KNOW , beyond a shadow of a doubt, what I am suppose to be doing in my career for the next 40 years, Will I know how to treat my kids and my wife with the respect they deserve, will I be honest and true to myself for once? Will I start doing something in my career I love to do and will I follow through? Will I complete the things I started? Will the fear, that has caused me to run, abate and will I get to Peace?
Well I sure and the hell hope so! I do believe so or at least I have the faith to believe this truth.
I look at my kids sleeping at night and try to put myself back in those innocent shoes. When I look at Quinten I wonder what this little boys dreams are and hope for the life of me that I can help him realize them. To teach him how to never forget them, embrace them, right them down, focus on them and never let them go; opposite of what I have done. I do not want him to be programmed by MY past!.
So to end.....I feel this writing was quite cathartic for me and am pleased to have gone through this exercise. I trust it will be somewhat of an exorcism for me and allow me to embrace this new age of 40 more fully. I know, and will continue to do so, I need to keep retraining this mind of mine, its misperceptions, is falsities, and ultimately its fears; recognize them but do not dwell on them.
Here's to the present moment...smiling.
D
Neural Nuisance.
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